I just... I have this vision of myself in my head, one that dresses a certain way and does her hair a certain way. But I don't know how. I like shopping and I buy things I think are cute. But I can never put together a cute outfit that I just love wearing. And I never do my hair in any sort of cool way. I want to be one of those cool hippy chicks who wears headbands around my head and puts feathers in my hair. But I feel like if I tried that, I'd just look like a poser. Like I don't have the right head size or face shape or the right kind of face at all for it. And I want to wear cool vintage clothes, no matter how many other people do it, but maybe I just don't have that lean, graceful body for it. I don't have slender legs to pull off wearing tights or skinny jeans (even though I wear them) or to make heels look good with a skirt. I feel tacky when I try to wear daring things like big shoes or bold shirts.
And I am not rich so I never buy the way cute things I see that cost more than I'm willing to pay. Is that my problem? Or what? What's my biggest obstacle here?
Also it's very hard trying to be a modest Mormon girl. There are many times when I have to turn down adorable shorts that are too short, and same with skirts. And tank tops and everything. You boys have no idea!
I just see a lot of girls around who dress all vintage-y or indie-looking or hippy or something, I don't know. With their hair all naturally wavy-looking, and their perfect skin. Yeah that's another thing. My stupid eczema that has recently showed up on my arms, making it look like I have a life-threatening skin disease. It's very hard to feel confident about myself when my patchy arms stand out from a mile away.
I know I am being extremely self-critical right now, and I promise I don't think I'm hideous or hate everything about myself, but I just wish I could be a super awesome girl that I picture in my head. I want to be cool. Who doesn't? I want to be one of those girls who everyone thinks dresses cool, who everyone just knows that she knows who she is. I want to look cool and write cool songs with my guitar and have a beautiful voice and have people think I'm talented or something.
I WANT TO STAND OUT.
We all do. I don't know if I'm making any sense. It's just... I'm not complaining about who I am. I just wish I could BE who I truly believe I am on the inside, but just show it on the outside as well.
So help me. I don't know how much longer I can stand being this girl in jeans that don't fit right with boring hair and splotchy skin and what not.
And in the middle of all this worrying I remember that looks aren't the most important thing ever, and that I'm being extremely worldly and spending too much time caring about these things when I should just be focusing on what makes me happy... like my music.
But then I come back to this wanting to have a look that matches the kind of music I want to make! So I'm stuck in a big circle!
I'm like almost willing to pay someone to be my personal designer. If only Kelsey lived with me and helped my buy all my clothes and dressed me every morning.
And who wants to buy me everything off of Modcloth.com??
Why can't I look like this?
Why can't I find dresses like this?
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Why does this have to be immodest?
Oh and here's two pictures of my perfect best friend.
Why can't I pull off wearing a hat with jeans with heels??
I think you should just be who you are. If you want to wear those things, then wear them. Who cares what other people think or if you feel you are a "poser" I think your drop dead gorgeous ash, i think you can wear skinny jeans, etc. Your beautiful the way you are, im not saying that because i feel i have to, im saying it because its true. you are very talented, you have many people who care about you, and love you for the style you wear every day. i always loved seeing your style in spanish class. i wear basketball shorts and tshirts lol as far as the expensive clothes go..i know what you mean. but you know what? someday both of us will be able to afford them and it will mean more to us because we have worked so hard to be able to afford them. i think you should stay who you are, and wear what you want to. :)
ReplyDelete-Amber Cosgrove