Learned and relearned.

I went to church today with Carissa. Lately while I'm there, I've been thinking about what I'm learning and I realized that hardly ever do I hear something in church that I've never heard before. So, why do we go? 

And then I think of all the lessons I've learned in life, some of them the very difficult way, and how even after learning and knowing how I'm supposed to be, and feeling immense pain and suffering as a result of doing something wrong, I still do stupid things all the time. We all do. As humans we forget the hard lessons we learn, we forget how they made us feel, and we do stupid things all over again. That's why we go to church every week. To remember. But it is still hard.

Every couple months or so I have a conversation with myself in my head about the same thing. What do I really want? What am I really trying to accomplish in my young years? And usually I have no idea. I thought that searching for love would bring me happiness. It didn't. It made me more lonely when I couldn't find it anywhere. Then I thought that writing and playing music would make me happy. It did for a while, it still does here and there. But it often makes me feel less accomplished and not so special when I see how many other people are doing the same thing. I could literally reference millions of videos on YouTube of people who are way more talented at music than me. 

So what is so special about Ashlee Woolsey? What can I do with my time to make myself happy, or to make a difference in someone's life, or to learn and grow? I have no idea. I can't think of any reason that I am going to school other than to have a degree. But the thing is, I'm studying freaking music, and I don't even want to teach piano lessons. So what am I going to do with that degree? I really don't know. I can't think of any reason that I am living in St. George other than to finish school and because I love my family. 

I wish I could just pack up and move somewhere and just explore and learn new things about new people and places. Because my life is quickly running past me, and I feel so unfulfilled.