Learned and relearned.

I went to church today with Carissa. Lately while I'm there, I've been thinking about what I'm learning and I realized that hardly ever do I hear something in church that I've never heard before. So, why do we go? 

And then I think of all the lessons I've learned in life, some of them the very difficult way, and how even after learning and knowing how I'm supposed to be, and feeling immense pain and suffering as a result of doing something wrong, I still do stupid things all the time. We all do. As humans we forget the hard lessons we learn, we forget how they made us feel, and we do stupid things all over again. That's why we go to church every week. To remember. But it is still hard.

Every couple months or so I have a conversation with myself in my head about the same thing. What do I really want? What am I really trying to accomplish in my young years? And usually I have no idea. I thought that searching for love would bring me happiness. It didn't. It made me more lonely when I couldn't find it anywhere. Then I thought that writing and playing music would make me happy. It did for a while, it still does here and there. But it often makes me feel less accomplished and not so special when I see how many other people are doing the same thing. I could literally reference millions of videos on YouTube of people who are way more talented at music than me. 

So what is so special about Ashlee Woolsey? What can I do with my time to make myself happy, or to make a difference in someone's life, or to learn and grow? I have no idea. I can't think of any reason that I am going to school other than to have a degree. But the thing is, I'm studying freaking music, and I don't even want to teach piano lessons. So what am I going to do with that degree? I really don't know. I can't think of any reason that I am living in St. George other than to finish school and because I love my family. 

I wish I could just pack up and move somewhere and just explore and learn new things about new people and places. Because my life is quickly running past me, and I feel so unfulfilled.

A lovely funeral.

My family picked me up this morning and we drove back up to Cedar City. Kirsten and Ben sang "The Prayer" while I accompanied them during the service. My mom and all her siblings said a few words and then we went to the cemetery. It was sweet to hear the things little Connor would say, "Is she going to disappear?" "Is she going to open now?" (in referring to her casket). To think that my grandma Irene won't be there for my wedding or won't see my children makes me sad. But then I remember that she will be there, in spirit.

After the lunch, I went back to St. George and to work for a couple hours at the end of my shift.

I went to Alex Lambson's house for a minute to say hi for his birthday, then I went home.

Beautiful grandmother.

I went to the gym and then got ready for the day.

I went to my parent's house so I could drive with my dad and Kirsten up to Cedar City. We went to the mortuary for my grandma's viewing. It was so sad. I really miss my grandma. She was so loving to all of us and just so sweet.

I left for a bit to go to Katlyn and Nate's wedding reception just a few blocks away. It was really pretty and I ran into a couple friends from high school.

Table for one.

I went to the gym this morning.

Then I went to work.

Then I met my mom at her work and we went to Christensen's together to shop for dresses for me. I found two really cute ones and she bought them both for me. Thanks mom :) she bought them so I could wear something nice to my grandma's funeral.

Then I went to Jazzy's to listen to Pangea and Golden Sun. I sat alone and said hi to a couple people. Tasha and a couple of her friends came too but they sat somewhere else. Before Swimm came on, I left.

Boy next door.

This morning was rough. I woke up at 9:40, blinked, and then it was 11:40. Like woah. I took a shower and I was so incredibly sleepy and worn out that I laid back on my bed and didn't want to do anything. By the time my hair dried, I got dressed and put on a speck of makeup so I could go run errands with Melinda.

Then she left for work and I just laid around some more and painted my nails and played my guitar. I went to work too and it actually went by a little faster today.

After work I rushed home, grabbed my guitar and laptop, then went to my parent's house so I could Skype with their faster internet. I had a Skype appointment with a friend in New Jersey. He just graduated in music production out there, and so he's going to use his super team to produce one of my songs with real instruments. It's going to be awesome!

I helped my mom with some pictures for grandma's funeral and then I came home. On my way, I called up the boy next door and asked if he wanted to go on a walk with me. So a bit later we met up and walked around the block to the hospital parking lot and looped around back home. We had a great conversation and stood in the middle of our cul-de-sac and talked forever. He has an insane smile.

Then we parted ways and went to our own homes and I am alone again in my room.

My New Jersey friend :)

Wet n' Wild.

This was a long, fun day. Alek picked me up at 8:30 a.m. ish, and then we picked up his friends Collin and Eric. We drove to Mesquite so that Eric could pick up his winnings for some bet, while Alek and I got McDonald's breakfast. Then we continued on to Vegas. We got to Wet n' Wild right when they opened at 10:00 a.m. but the line to get in was super long. Alek had purchased tickets in advance so we got in within a few minutes, but his friends had to wait in the other long line to buy tickets first.

There are probably... 7 ish slides you can go on? And for each one, the line is anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. So we were there for about 8 hours but Alek and I only went on three different slides, I think. One of them we went on twice though, and that was the only slide where you don't have to use a tube but you literally fall vertically. It's awesome.

Most of the time we were there, the four of us played in the lazy river and had a great time. Most of the people were just relaxing and floating along but we had all sorts of fun. Guys are so much fun. We also played for a while in the pool that makes waves. It was great but at the end of the day I was way worn out and sunburned.

Then after it closed, we went to a Salt Lake Bee's vs. Las Vegas 51s baseball game. I don't usually watch sports or go to games but it was actually pretty enjoyable. The two teams were tied at the 8th inning, then in the 9th inning our team made 6 runs so we won! It was cool.

One of my favorite parts was the guy who walked around selling refreshments yelling "BEER!" in his deep, growly voice. But my very favorite part was the guy on the other side of the stadium in the front row, who literally had a duffel bag full of instruments that he would pull out and use. A tambourine, cowbell, etc. And at the very end when he realized his team was losing, he pulled out a freaking trumpet and a sad song. Hahahaha.

We were on our way back to St. George when Eric asked if we could stop in Moapa and let some fireworks go. So, we did. That was fun too. We got home at 2 in the morning.

Oh and this is Melinda and I at church a week and a half ago haha random but I never put pictures of us!

A short visit.

I was sooo sleepy this morning. I still made myself go to the gym since I hadn't worked out since before California. I didn't stay very long though.. but at least I went. Then I made some lunch. My volleyball guy friend, Alek, came over for a few minutes to visit with me before I came to work.

Could you be anymore lazy?

I got up and ready for church and then went with my roommates of course. After the block, we went home. Carissa immediately left for her parent's house. Melinda and I made food and there was an unexpected knock at the door. I was incredibly happy to see that it was my mom! She brought me a Dr. Pepper and was just coming to say hi. I love her so much. Desi was in the car too so I made her come inside.

Melinda and I watched Pretty Little Liars for a bunch of the day. Blah. Later, I went to my parent's to say hi to my mom again just to see if she was okay and stuff.

I'm so lazy. But not really, just kinda.

Grandma Irene.

This morning we were deciding whether to stay another night. We didn't have a room booked for the night but we called up Kirsten's mother-in-law and she said we could stay the night there. We all got in the car and were driving around looking for somewhere to have lunch when my mom got a call from her brother, Ed.

Grandma was gone. She passed away in her sleep that afternoon. My mom was shocked but seemed okay. She then called my dad to tell him, and started bawling. It was so sad, I hate seeing my mommy cry. We pulled into a parking lot and all cried together.

My grandma has been really frail the past couple years, with her health declining. She mostly just sat around her house, and couldn't take care of herself. She couldn't hear very well and couldn't talk very much. But she was beautiful and graceful and funny until the day she died. I remember how she was before she became weak, but only a little. Even in her weakened state, she would ask me to play the piano for her every single time I went over. I just wish I would've known that last time was the last time. It's so weird to think that I'll never go to her house anymore... a house I've been going to multiple times a year for my whole life. So many memories. And now our family probably won't have our big Christmas parties anymore, and we won't get together as much as a whole extended family. Life is so weird. I love you and miss you, Grandma.

We decided to get smoothies and then we went to Taco Bell. Instead of staying the night, we went to Janice's and just said hi and got some lemons and grapefruits from their trees. Then we started home and it was the longest drive. Ever.

We didn't get home til about 10:30 pm. I went home to my apartment and hung out with Melinda for a bit before going to bed. I also visited the boy next door, but just for a minute.

Huntington Beach.

We slept in again and just had breakfast in our room. We went shopping at Forever 21, had lunch at Wahoo's (fish burritos yum!) and then got ready for the beach again. This time we went to Huntington, a super busy beach. There are tons of hot people there. I relaxed on the sand for a bit and then joined my sisters in the ocean. We played in the waves with our boogie boards for a while and then laid on the sand some more.

I think we had dinner at Pizza D'oro? Yeah it was really good. We got in the hot tub at our hotel for a bit and then went to bed.

Primm Valley.

So, last night after work I finished packed and drove to my parents house, and then my sisters and my mom and I left for Primm Valley. We stayed at a hotel there so that we could break up the drive to California.

This morning we ate a late breakfast at Denny's and then left for California. We got to Costa Mesa in the afternoon and got a room at the Courtyard Marriot for a really good deal, and we had the best room! We went to Balboa pier and played on the beach a little bit, and then ate at Ruby's Diner. Then we went back to our hotel.

Bye-bye, baby boy.

I slept in today of course. Cause we were up so late watching PLL. I went to the gym though and then Melinda showed up too. I went home and made some yummy food and cleaned my room and stuff. I packed for California cause my mom said we're leaving tonight instead of tomorrow morning.

So the guy from last night texted me and asked if I wanted to go to Wet and Wild with him in Las Vegas next Tuesday, my day off! And then to a baseball game. I'm so excited! It sounds like the best date ever.

Forever socially awkward.

This morning I went to my parent's house to start my laundry.

Des and I went to Green Valley Spa to go swimming and lay out. My mom, Kirsten, Connor, and Parker met us there adn we played with the boys in the pool. Tasha has been in Provo at yearbook camp or something.

I left and on my way home stopped at Fabulous Freddy's to get a dirty Dr. Pepper. Mike was behind the counter and I said hi to see if he remembered me and he seemed to. So he asked me how things were and I told him I finished filming my music video last week. It was awkward cause he wasn't really paying attention so I said it again, while two other workers were standing there. And then he said something like "oh the one with the broom?" and I was way confused so I left. At home, I was chatting with Mike's brother on Facebook and told him about the whole thing. He talked with him on the phone and found out that some other girl had been in the gas station a while ago and had filmed a video in there with a broom and had knocked over a rack of chips. So, he had confused me with her. What are the chances. Hahaha.

I hung out with Melinda. Then at six, we went to Katlyn's bridal shower. We left and went home and Melinda went to a dance group she joined. I went and played volleyball with a boy I just met and his friends. It was fun, we played about two hours.

I got home and then Melinda came a little later. Carissa had Mr. T (Tarnue) over and we played this hilarious game. Then Melinda and I went to Walmart so she could buy food and I was super hyper the whole time. I flirted with one of the cute workers and told him I'd come back in a couple days to see him. Haha.

We watched some Pretty Little Liars and I dozed off and eventually went to bed.

Good grief.

Today was so stupid and it was all on me. I woke up super early to go to my parent's house because I wanted to be there when Connor woke up. I wanted to watch him before he woke up Kirsten so she could sleep in on her birthday. I took him upstairs and then Ben came up anyway. So, it was pointless. Kirsten would've got to sleep in anyway because Ben would take care of Connor. So I laid around all tired for a few hours before I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up an hour later and Kirsten and Ben were gone with their kids running errands. It turned out they had a terrible time because Connor was throwing fits everywhere they went, and Kirsten was really mad. If I had been awake when Kirsten got up, I could've told her I was there to watch her kids and then she could've gone with Ben without them. So basically my whole morning was a waste of time. I feel stupid.

Anyway, Kirst, Des and I went to Cafe Rio for lunch and then I came to work. I found this interesting article. It's on cracked.com so it's not exactly "professional" and it might contain a few profanities, but I think it's worth the read:

www.cracked.com/article_20398_5-ways-your-brain-tricking-you-into-being-miserable.html/

Also, Jamie has been talking to me about this girl in his life who expressed sudden interest in him, then ignored him a day or so, then was in love with him again, then later told him they needed to put their relationship on hold. So basically she's being wishy washy and manipulative. I don't even know the details and I don't know the girl but I do know that her communication and people skills are not exactly ideal. And then I got to thinking... okay this girl is in her 30s (I think? At least late 20s) and she is being this way. And Jamie, who is older than her, is dealing with this type of relationship. So this tells me that people are still completely ridiculous even after their 20s. That relationships are still retarded. I am doomed.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

Last night I went to Tyson's and watched a movie and just hung out.

This morning I went to my parent's for Father's Day breakfast. We had these delicious cinnamon roll pancakes and some yummy biscuit things my mom made. I went to church with them for the first hour, then left to go to all three hours of my ward with Carissa. There's a pretty cute guy in our ward who texted me a few times throughout the last week (without asking for my number, mind you) and had asked me to hang out and stuff but our schedules never matched up. And then at church he didn't even say hi to me, not once. So.. okay.

After church we went back to our apartment and Melinda was home! Woo! A while later, I went back to my parent's for dinner and hung out for a while. My grandparents on my dad's side showed up and I visited with them for a while before going back home.

Then I went to Darren's house and went through a bunch of the footage with him for my music video and he tried to figure out what I want from it so he can start editing. We just have to wait for Chase to make a new version of the song... we'll see if he comes through on the day he said he will.

I came home and watched Warm Bodies with Melinda. She had seen it before but I hadn't. I really liked it.

I really am so grateful for my dad. It kind of gets annoying to see posts on Facebook all day with every single person saying "most amazing best dad ever" because obviously not every dad can be THE best. But when you think about it, how great is it that so many people can say that about their dad and really believe it? It must mean that lots of dads out there are doing it right. Maybe all those men are being the best they can be. I know my dad is. I know he is exactly the dad I need in my life. He's always been there for me and I can't think of a time where I ever felt like he wasn't the greatest dad. He's so loving and sweet and funny and caring and hard working. I want to find a man like my dad someday... maybe. I won't settle for any less, that's for sure.

Man of Steel.

Colter asked me a few days ago to hang out with him today in the morning/early afternoon. So, we went and saw Man of Steel with his friends. I loved it.

Then, I went to the gym. After that I was going to go grocery shopping but I felt like going to say hi to my dad at home. Kirsten and Parker were there, too. When I left there I went to Smith's and got a whole bunch of yummy food. And then I visited my mom at her work at the end of her shift.

I was talking to Jamie on the phone a little bit and he seems to be doing better. I got ready for work and here I am. I can't wait for Melinda to get home. I freaking hate it when she leaves.

Just a bunch of people.

I went to the gym this morning and it felt great. Then, I got ready and went to my parent's house to babysit Connor and Parker while Kirsten was doing a photo shoot. I stayed a few hours then went home to do.... well, nothing really. Kirsten needed me to watch her kids again for about an hour around six, so I went back over to do that.

Then I left and went to Ty's house. Carissa, Alyssa, Mica, and three other girls were there but no Ty and no boys yet. It was like at least an hour before anyone else showed up, but it was probably more than 20 people crammed into Ty's basement TV room. It was fun though. We played ping pong and foosball and watched the hilarious video I saw posted on Facebook earlier. It's been around a while but I had never seen it until today. I laughed so hard I cried.

Anyway, I left and went home and did a little recording for my friend Lalo. He made an instrumental track and asked me to write vocals for it, so I worked on that a little.

Notes to self.

Last night I decided to go to my parent's house after work and spend the night (my mom had suggested it because Tasha is out of town so I slept in her bed). I watched a little bit of Pretty Little Liars with Desi and then went to sleep.

This morning I slept in, and when I woke up, my mom and Kirsten left. So Des and I were watching Parker for a bit before I left. I came home and did nothing but get ready for the day. Well, that's not true. Jamie called me and I talked to him on the phone for about an hour while I cleaned my room. He's not doing so well.

Notes to self:

Don't challenge Chase in any way.
Don't expect people to text you back.
Don't take your debit card out of your wallet.
Don't spend money.
Don't talk to boys.

Oh and here's a couple pics...

from my cell phone.

Early morning. I snapped this picture so randomly but it looks like they're posing. And that light flare is not fake haha.

My crew of men.

Waiting for dark so the fire can begin. 

What a beautiful place I live by.

Oh and Des at the pool cause she's gorgeous :) 

What I learned while making a music video.

This morning we did the last shoot for my music video: the porch scene. I got the idea from another music video and thought it would be fun to be sitting on a cute little porch with my guitar with a few friends sitting around me. After all the other shoots, I didn't expect anyone to come this morning, but I got four people and that was good enough for me. Darren and his crew were on time as always and were awesome with their work. I don't know anything about filming or cameras or cinematography or anything like that at all, but I do know that I appreciate everything they did. They were prompt, efficient, flexible, helpful, and funny. Freaking hilarious.

Bisquick. Inside joke. Boom.

Anyway, here is some of what I learned (or relearned) while having this video made:

1. Some people are awesome friends who have your back and are willing to sacrifice their time and energy just for the sake of being your friend and they support you selflessly.

2. Most people do not fit into that category. Most people are flaky, appathetic, or (at least a little) selfish (and I don't mean that in an ignorant or self-righteous or accusing way). I understand that people are busy and have their own lives and things that are important to them, and I'm not saying I expect every single person I invite to something to drop everything and be there at the snap of my finger. I'm also not saying that I am a completely selfless person or that I go to everything people ask me to come to. But, if someone claims to be a good friend of mine, and/or they promise to come to something - especially something I personally invite them to and tell them that it is super important to me and that I need them - and then they just don't without even saying anything, that hurts my feelings a little.

But I'm trying not to take it personally. Because of course, this was my video, my music, and I can't expect people to care. I had just hoped that more people would want to be involved so that the video and my music WOULDN'T just be about me, but about everyone. And I intentionally tried to make the events for the video be things that were fun in and of themselves, with or without a camera. I mean, it's summertime, and sometimes people complain about having nothing to do. Oh well. So much for wishful thinking.

3. I am a very blessed girl. I have an incredibly supportive family and I cannot ignore the few friends I do have who have my back no matter what.

My older sister Kirsten told me I could offer free mini photo shoots to people to convince them to come to my early morning shoot. My mom came to the water balloon fight just to watch and be there for me. My little sister Des came to the water balloon fight and the porch scene. My roommate filled up 100 water balloons and came to 4/5 of the events. A couple people came to two or three events. My dad helped me fill up 100 water balloons and let me use his coolers and camping chairs and marshmallow sticks. Darren offered to make the music video and handled everything without me having to worry about it. He brought muffins and water bottles to the shoots. Dan, Mike, and Ben also came to everything and filmed and took pictures and everything.

I'm probably not giving enough credit to all the people who deserve it, but I'm trying.

Thank you.

As for the rest of today, Des and I went to Green Valley Spa to swim and tan. And then I had lunch at my parent's house. And now I'm at work.

Music video.

I was up dark and early at 5:00 a.m. Carissa got up and we started getting ready for the day.

We got to Dixie rock at 6:00 along with Trevor Apple, Taylor Chew, and Dakota Callahan. Darren and his guys (Dan, Mike, Ben) showed up right on time. We shot some footage up on the rock and a bit down below. When we were done we had some yummy Costco muffins then left.

Carissa and I picked up the rest of the water balloons and stuff and went to the park. More of my friends came and we did that shoot. It was so fun... I can't wait to show it to everyone. My sister Des came too. Even my mom came to watch.

When that was over, Carissa and I went to Iceberg for some food.

Then we went home, and I took the longest nap and just laid in my bed for four hours. Much needed.

I got up and showered and got ready again, then Carissa and I picked up stuff for the fire and went to the location. Everyone came and we did that shoot. People started leaving when we were done, and then I realized my keys were missing. I remembered they had been in the cup holder of a camp chair... but not mine. So I called Beau and found out they were in his car, oh man. Luckily Darren was nice enough to take me back into town to get my keys, and then all the way back to my car.

Let's put on a show.

Before work, I filled up more than 100 more water balloons by my lonesome. My fingers hurt, cause I was the one tying them the other times too. It's okay, someone's gotta do it and it oughta be me!

I got off work two hours early so I could have plenty of time to get ready and to eat. I went to Red Ginger and ordered a crunchy roll to go. Mmmm. Love that place. Love that roll.

Carissa filled up over 100 balloons for me while I was at work. I'm so grateful! I headed to Tyson's at 7 and we practiced some more before packing up his drums and going to Jazzy's. We got there at 8:30, when Ryan had told me to be there (the booker). Darren and his crew were already there, and so was the band from Vegas.

I talked to Dutch (the sound guy I'm buddies with) and he said we would probably not start til 9:30 (supposed to start at 9:00) which I expected. My friends showed up, we tried to get started, but something was wrong with the sound board so I didn't get playing til around 10:00. I felt bad for the other band and for my friends but we got rolling and it went well, I think. I hate being on video camera, believe it or not.

I bought a shirt and CD from the band after listening to them play and realized that it's a lot harder to remember where I'm spending money when I'm using cash and not my debit card. I need to go get a new one...

I went to my parent's house to say hi. Then I stopped at Blair's to say bye to him because he's leaving town for a couple weeks.

Hurry up and get back.

The three of us went to church today. We came home and Melinda started packing for Disneyland. I made myself some dinner and watched Pretty Little Liars with her while she packed.

I helped her make cookies for her family. Her brother fell out of a tree a couple days ago and broke his ankle, so she promised to make some for him. Sucks, Disneyland on crutches.

Melinda's family came to pick her up. Erik came over a bit later and helped me fill up more water balloons. I forgot to mention I went to his house a couple nights ago, I think Thursday, and watched a movie.

Water balloons.

My mom invited me over for French toast, so I went to my parent's house this morning. I went to the dollar store and bought some water balloons, came back, and my dad helped me fill about 100 of them. I went home and showered and got ready for work.

After work, Melinda and I got Domino's. Later, Stephen came over to say hi. It was nice to see him.

Lost debit card.

Melinda and I went over to my parent's house this morning to do our laundry. She went to work and then I went to the gym and stuff. Or maybe that was yesterday I went to the gym... I'm slacking, I know.

While Melinda was at work I went to Tyson's house to practice my songs with him while he learned the drum parts. After that, I was going to go run errands when I realized my debit card was missing. I searched everywhere and never found it, and no one has used it since so I don't think it was stolen. The last time I used it was buying that dang donut yesterday, but Maverik didn't have it. So, Melinda did me a favor. I transferred money to her account, then took her to the ATM to withdraw it and give it to me.

I went to Chick-Fil-A by myself and ran some errands. I then tried to do a little recording while Melinda and Carissa were at a movie.

Searching.

After work today, I went with Darren and his friend Ben to find locations for my music video. We found a place for the campfire and then looked for a porch. I saw one I thought was really cute so we took note of it.

Um, what else. I got a really good donut tonight. I know what you're thinking.

Sand Hollow.

I went to Sand Hollow reservoir with my mom, Kirsten, Desi, Tasha, Connor, and Parker. Desi bought a big blow up thing from Costco that has four seats, so she wanted to test it out. Kirsten, Desi, and Parker sat in it while Tasha and I got life jackets and pulled/pushed them out to a buoy so we could float in the middle of the lake. Then we went back and enjoyed the sun with my mom and Connor.

I left before everyone else so I could get to work on time.

After work, I went to open mic. I hadn't played in a while so I played a couple new songs. Then I got Reed (Reid?) to sign a form giving me permission to film at his restaurant.

Poolside.

So Melinda and I laid by the pool today for the longest time. It was awesome but I burnt the back of my legs. Oops. It wasn't too bad.

Later we went to institute.

One mile.

Today at the gym I found out the most I can run without stopping is one mile. That is pathetic. And I have a confession. I don't think there has been a time in my life (at least not tracked) that I have ran more than a mile and a half without stopping. I'm determined to make that a higher number by the time school starts. I've never been a runner but I really want to be one. I want to be one of those people who loves running. I want to get the runner's high!

Not sure what I'm doing after work today but I have a huge to do list for this week. I hope I can get loooots of recording done.

Kanab babies.

I woke up a little later than I had hoped to (of course) but I had enough time to get ready and get to Kanab on time. It's always a nice little drive to do alone on a pretty day.

I went to Kelsey's sister Carley's baby blessing. Her little boy's name is Raze and he's adorable. After church we went back to Kelsey's parent's house and had yummy food and then we napped and just hung out. I left around six.

I got back home and washed my hair like I had wanted to do in the morning. Then Melinda and I went to Blair's house and hung out with him, Dallas, Brendan, and McKayle.

Closed off.

I woke up and ate some cereal, then I went back to my bed. I decided to just let my worries go and be lazy. Melinda and I started watching Pirates of the Caribbean, and she fell asleep for a bit before getting up to go to work. When she left, I recorded a couple vocal tracks to send to Chase.  Now I'm at work again.

My friend sent me this, so I'm sharing it with you:

"I'm sorry your boys weren't ready to be men, Ashee.

I would say something encouraging like, "don't give up", I was thinking about it. My heart has been broken so many times, it can be really horrible, maybe you really are better off closing it off. I saw a documentary on KBYU, that said the heart can only take so many heartbreaks before it can't be fixed. I don't know if thats true, but people like us feel things so deeply, we're probably at high risk of whatever that permanent emotional damage is.

I had to learn that I deserve true happiness, which can only be given to me from God and myself. If I get it from anyone else, it can be taken away. You deserve true happiness Ashlee. It's a choice everyday, when you look at that person in the mirror. Choose to love her, and you'll always like the person looking back at you."