music.

i'm glad i found and liked a lot of music on my own while you were gone. that way, not everything i listen to has to remind me of you.
i hope some of the music you listen to makes you think of me, though. i so terribly want you to miss me. miss me enough to come back.

online journal.

so as of two weeks ago i keep an online journal on ohlife.com
in about 7 posts i've typed about 6500 words of my feelings! that's kind of a lot.. that's a 16 page essay people.

When all your friends have come and gone,
And the sun no longer shines,
And the happiness for which you long is washed away like an ocean's tide,
When all the hard times outweigh the good,
And all your words are misunderstood,
When the day seems lost from the start
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

If you feel you've paid the price,
And your wounds should cease to heal
And everything you love in life spins like a winding wheel.
If you should wake to find you're abandoned,
And the road you've traveled leads to a dead-end
When loss creeps in to play it's part,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

I can't do this. I can't.

Please. Please. Please.

Heaven's Grocery Store

A lady in Relief Society recited this poem during the lesson today. It really touched me and had me tearing up at the very end.

I was walking down life's highway a long time ago. One day I saw a sign
that read: "Heaven's Grocery Store." As I got a little closer the door opened
and I saw a host of angels, they were standing everywhere. One handed me a
basket and said, "My child, shop with care." Everything a Christian needed was
in the grocery store; and all you couldn't carry, you could come back for
more.

First, I got some Patience. Love was in the same row, further down was
Understanding, you need that everywhere you go. I got a box of Wisdom, a
bag or two of Faith. I just couldn't miss the Holy Spirit, for it was all
over the place. I stopped to get some Strength and Courage to help me run the
race. By then my basket was getting full, but I remembered I needed some
Grace. I didn't forget Salvation, for Salvation was free. So I tried to
get enough of that to save both you and me.

Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill, for I thought I had
everything I needed to do my Master's will. When I went up the isle I
saw Prayer and I had to put that in, for I knew when I stepped outside, I
would run right into sin.

Peace and Joy were plentiful. They were on the last shelf. Song of
Praises were hanging near, so I just helped myself. Then I said to the angel,
"How much do I owe?" He just smiled and said, "Just take them everywhere you
go."

Again I smiled at him and said, "How much do I really owe?" He smiled at
me and said, "My child, Jesus paid your bill a long, long time ago."

---Author Unknown

little insignificant things.

sunday i really wanted some chocolate cake. i told lots of people to bring me some but of course they weren't going to take me seriously. i got a yummy brownie thing that night (courtesy of sarah britt) but the next day i still wanted chocolate cake.
so today, tuesday, i was at work craving my chocolate cake. i was chatting with my friends on google chat asking them to bring me cake but of course not being completely serious about it seeing as how i work at least 15 minutes away from any of them.
i started contemplating other ways to obtain some chocolate cake. maybe i'll buy some cake mix! but then i realized i'd need an oven. so i went to walmart.com and searched "ovens" to see if they sold them. oh yeah.. they sell countertop ovens. i was considering going to walmart and asking if i could borrow an oven.
but then i realized that was ridiculous.
so i did what any normal person would do and i bought a nice little packaged chocolate cake for $2.50.
consider me temporarily happy. if only the rest of life was like that.

"Don’t treasure up past wrongs, reprocessing them again and again. In a marriage relationship, festering is destructive; forgiving is divine (see D&C 64:9–10). Plead for the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord to forgive wrongs …, to overcome faults, and to strengthen relationships" -Dallin H. Oaks

It is not repentance per se that saves man. It is the blood of Jesus Christ that saves us. It is not by our sincere and honest change of behavior alone that we are saved, but "grace that we are saved, after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23). True repentance, however, is the condition required so that God’s forgiveness can come into our lives. True repentance makes "a brilliant day [out] of the darkest night." -Spencer W. Kimball

When I imagine a brilliant day, I imagine this.





“Yea, I say unto you, … there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy” (Alma 36:21)

until the day i die, i'll prove my love to you.

some things i read tonight.

I strongly agree with everything I put here. It was written by Spencer W. Kimball, former president of the LDS church.


Consciousness of guilt should bring one to his knees in humbleness with “a broken heart and a contrite spirit” and in “sack cloth and ashes.”

There must be a pricking of conscience, perhaps sleepless hours, eyes that are wet, for Alma says:
“… none but the truly penitent are saved.” (Alma 42:24.)

“Rationalizing is the bringing of ideals down to the level of one’s conduct while repentance is the bringing of one’s conduct up to the level of his ideals.”

Very frequently people think they have repented and are worthy of forgiveness when all they have done is to express sorrow or regret at the unfortunate happening, but their repentance is barely started. Until they have begun to make changes in their lives, transformation in their habits, and to add new thoughts to their minds, to be sorry is only a bare beginning.

Many people cannot repent until they have suffered much. They cannot direct their thoughts into new clean channels. They cannot control their acts. They cannot plan their future properly until they have lost values that they did not seem to fully appreciate.

http://lds.org/new-era/1974/05/what-is-true-repentance?lang=eng&query=repentance

love me.

the world spins madly on.

sometimes life gets really hard for a long time. sometimes it feels like it'll stay that way forever and there's nothing you can do to change it. sometimes. you feel like everything is your fault and you're alone but you're stuck with yourself.

i'm so glad i have Kelsey. without her i would feel so alone right now, because none of my family lives in this part of the state. it's just really hard right now.. life.. but i'm loved, and so i'll be okay.

4 days

since i've spoken to you. for most people that would seem like a long time. it's too bad i'm used to not talking to you. since i only did it 4 times in 2 years...
but i still miss you.






I have seen what man can do
When the evil lives inside of you
Many are the weak
And the strong are few
But with the water
We'll start anew

Well, won't you take me down to the levy, take me down to the stream, take my down to the water,
we're gonna wash our souls clean, take me down to the river, take me down to the lake,
Yes, we'll all go together, we're gonna do it for the good Lord's sake

I have fallen so many times
For the devil's sweet, cunning rhymes
And this old world
Has brought me pain
But there's hope
For me again

Well, won't you take me down to the levy, take me down to the stream, take my down to the water,
we're gonna wash our souls clean, take me down to the river, take me down to the lake,
Yes, we'll all go together, we're gonna do it for the good Lord's sake

man, this has really been a hard, crappy year for everyone hasn't it?

i knew i'd know.

everything will be okay, eventually. i don't know how or when. it's going to be hard. it's the hardest thing i've ever done, even harder knowing i did this to myself. but i can do it. i have all the help in the world. i am so loved. and one day i will be happy again.

hope.

i will never let go of it. ever.

if i could do anything

if i could do anything.. if there was a genie here to grant me a wish.. if God would grant me one miracle... if i could make anything happen it would be this-

to somehow make Jeremy believe that I love him.

Ethan Watts

thanks for taking my photo, Ethan!