music.

i'm glad i found and liked a lot of music on my own while you were gone. that way, not everything i listen to has to remind me of you.
i hope some of the music you listen to makes you think of me, though. i so terribly want you to miss me. miss me enough to come back.

online journal.

so as of two weeks ago i keep an online journal on ohlife.com
in about 7 posts i've typed about 6500 words of my feelings! that's kind of a lot.. that's a 16 page essay people.

When all your friends have come and gone,
And the sun no longer shines,
And the happiness for which you long is washed away like an ocean's tide,
When all the hard times outweigh the good,
And all your words are misunderstood,
When the day seems lost from the start
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

If you feel you've paid the price,
And your wounds should cease to heal
And everything you love in life spins like a winding wheel.
If you should wake to find you're abandoned,
And the road you've traveled leads to a dead-end
When loss creeps in to play it's part,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

I can't do this. I can't.

Please. Please. Please.

Heaven's Grocery Store

A lady in Relief Society recited this poem during the lesson today. It really touched me and had me tearing up at the very end.

I was walking down life's highway a long time ago. One day I saw a sign
that read: "Heaven's Grocery Store." As I got a little closer the door opened
and I saw a host of angels, they were standing everywhere. One handed me a
basket and said, "My child, shop with care." Everything a Christian needed was
in the grocery store; and all you couldn't carry, you could come back for
more.

First, I got some Patience. Love was in the same row, further down was
Understanding, you need that everywhere you go. I got a box of Wisdom, a
bag or two of Faith. I just couldn't miss the Holy Spirit, for it was all
over the place. I stopped to get some Strength and Courage to help me run the
race. By then my basket was getting full, but I remembered I needed some
Grace. I didn't forget Salvation, for Salvation was free. So I tried to
get enough of that to save both you and me.

Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill, for I thought I had
everything I needed to do my Master's will. When I went up the isle I
saw Prayer and I had to put that in, for I knew when I stepped outside, I
would run right into sin.

Peace and Joy were plentiful. They were on the last shelf. Song of
Praises were hanging near, so I just helped myself. Then I said to the angel,
"How much do I owe?" He just smiled and said, "Just take them everywhere you
go."

Again I smiled at him and said, "How much do I really owe?" He smiled at
me and said, "My child, Jesus paid your bill a long, long time ago."

---Author Unknown

little insignificant things.

sunday i really wanted some chocolate cake. i told lots of people to bring me some but of course they weren't going to take me seriously. i got a yummy brownie thing that night (courtesy of sarah britt) but the next day i still wanted chocolate cake.
so today, tuesday, i was at work craving my chocolate cake. i was chatting with my friends on google chat asking them to bring me cake but of course not being completely serious about it seeing as how i work at least 15 minutes away from any of them.
i started contemplating other ways to obtain some chocolate cake. maybe i'll buy some cake mix! but then i realized i'd need an oven. so i went to walmart.com and searched "ovens" to see if they sold them. oh yeah.. they sell countertop ovens. i was considering going to walmart and asking if i could borrow an oven.
but then i realized that was ridiculous.
so i did what any normal person would do and i bought a nice little packaged chocolate cake for $2.50.
consider me temporarily happy. if only the rest of life was like that.

"Don’t treasure up past wrongs, reprocessing them again and again. In a marriage relationship, festering is destructive; forgiving is divine (see D&C 64:9–10). Plead for the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord to forgive wrongs …, to overcome faults, and to strengthen relationships" -Dallin H. Oaks

It is not repentance per se that saves man. It is the blood of Jesus Christ that saves us. It is not by our sincere and honest change of behavior alone that we are saved, but "grace that we are saved, after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23). True repentance, however, is the condition required so that God’s forgiveness can come into our lives. True repentance makes "a brilliant day [out] of the darkest night." -Spencer W. Kimball

When I imagine a brilliant day, I imagine this.





“Yea, I say unto you, … there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy” (Alma 36:21)

until the day i die, i'll prove my love to you.

some things i read tonight.

I strongly agree with everything I put here. It was written by Spencer W. Kimball, former president of the LDS church.


Consciousness of guilt should bring one to his knees in humbleness with “a broken heart and a contrite spirit” and in “sack cloth and ashes.”

There must be a pricking of conscience, perhaps sleepless hours, eyes that are wet, for Alma says:
“… none but the truly penitent are saved.” (Alma 42:24.)

“Rationalizing is the bringing of ideals down to the level of one’s conduct while repentance is the bringing of one’s conduct up to the level of his ideals.”

Very frequently people think they have repented and are worthy of forgiveness when all they have done is to express sorrow or regret at the unfortunate happening, but their repentance is barely started. Until they have begun to make changes in their lives, transformation in their habits, and to add new thoughts to their minds, to be sorry is only a bare beginning.

Many people cannot repent until they have suffered much. They cannot direct their thoughts into new clean channels. They cannot control their acts. They cannot plan their future properly until they have lost values that they did not seem to fully appreciate.

http://lds.org/new-era/1974/05/what-is-true-repentance?lang=eng&query=repentance

love me.

the world spins madly on.

sometimes life gets really hard for a long time. sometimes it feels like it'll stay that way forever and there's nothing you can do to change it. sometimes. you feel like everything is your fault and you're alone but you're stuck with yourself.

i'm so glad i have Kelsey. without her i would feel so alone right now, because none of my family lives in this part of the state. it's just really hard right now.. life.. but i'm loved, and so i'll be okay.

4 days

since i've spoken to you. for most people that would seem like a long time. it's too bad i'm used to not talking to you. since i only did it 4 times in 2 years...
but i still miss you.






I have seen what man can do
When the evil lives inside of you
Many are the weak
And the strong are few
But with the water
We'll start anew

Well, won't you take me down to the levy, take me down to the stream, take my down to the water,
we're gonna wash our souls clean, take me down to the river, take me down to the lake,
Yes, we'll all go together, we're gonna do it for the good Lord's sake

I have fallen so many times
For the devil's sweet, cunning rhymes
And this old world
Has brought me pain
But there's hope
For me again

Well, won't you take me down to the levy, take me down to the stream, take my down to the water,
we're gonna wash our souls clean, take me down to the river, take me down to the lake,
Yes, we'll all go together, we're gonna do it for the good Lord's sake

man, this has really been a hard, crappy year for everyone hasn't it?

i knew i'd know.

everything will be okay, eventually. i don't know how or when. it's going to be hard. it's the hardest thing i've ever done, even harder knowing i did this to myself. but i can do it. i have all the help in the world. i am so loved. and one day i will be happy again.

hope.

i will never let go of it. ever.

if i could do anything

if i could do anything.. if there was a genie here to grant me a wish.. if God would grant me one miracle... if i could make anything happen it would be this-

to somehow make Jeremy believe that I love him.

Ethan Watts

thanks for taking my photo, Ethan!

mind. your. own. business.

and let me live my life.

nothing bothers me more than people who have the nerve to involve themselves in something they know nothing about.

the best Thanksgiving weekend.

My Jeremy finally came home.
It was the weirdest feeling I can have ever experienced. I said goodbye to this boy on November 17th, 2009 around 8 pm outside my parent's house in St. George. I knew I wouldn't see him for two whole years.
So the day before Thanksgiving. November 23rd, 2011, I drove down to St. George from Provo at 6:45 a.m. with Nate Rice and his girlfriend, Ashlie Gilbert. I spent the day getting my nails done and getting things ready. That evening I helped Jeremy's parents, Sammie and Steve, preparing for the following day's events. I painted posters, I set up a table with mine and Jeremy's "love letters." I actually slept quite well that night.
The next day. Thanksgiving. Jeremy due to arrive to the new St. George airport at 12:29 pm. My whole family, his whole family, everyone was there. I felt like I was being watched, in my brand new outfit, as I felt a million different emotions streaming through my mind. Was this really happening? No way. But if it's not, why am I standing here with all these posters and all these people? Has it really come to an end? But.. but it's always been this thing that was never going to happen. 15 months to go, 9 months, 6 months, 6 weeks, 2 weeks, 2 days... it's today. That's what I was thinking. No. Way. I could never be ready for this. Was I supposed to be feeling more ready? What was I supposed to be feeling? I couldn't really breathe. Word came that he was to arrive at 12:13. It was 12:07.
Oh my gosh I haven't seen him for two years. What will he look like? Will he think I'm pretty? Will he hug me? I don't think he's supposed to, but will he anyway? What will everyone else do? What will he say to me? Will I see him and still love him?
His plane is flying in. I see it. Landing on the runway. I run down the stairs into the waiting area and everyone follows behind me with their balloons and posters.
I'm standing against a brick wall as everyone assumes their positions. I can see Jeremy's fellow passengers passing through a room behind some glass doors and windows toward us. Here he comes here he comes here he comes. I hear someone say "There he is!" and I literarlly scream. I'm screaming his name and crying and becoming hysterical. Is this real? Then I see him and it is the weirdest strangest most wonderful most normal feeling in the world. There is my love, right there, right in front of me. I haven't seen him for two years, he wasn't real during all that time, I forgot his love, but there he is. Right. There.
He hugs his mom. Then his dad. Then both together. I am staring at his face between their two heads and he glances at me.
Then he let's go. I'm standing right there, everyone else at least 5 feet behind me. He walks toward me slowly, reaches out his arms and I am instantly surrounded by them. What a glorious hug. What a glorious feeling. He hugs me so tightly, then he pulls back and holds me in his arms while he takes a good look at my face as he says, "It's so good to see you!" And I melt. His smile is so beautiful. His real smile, not the frozen one I see in pictures. His real face. His real voice. His real laugh. All in person.
He hugs me again and again until he says "I have to say hi to everyone else, Ash!" and he does. And I have tears running down my cheeks, and I can't contain myself.
I never ever want to forget those feelings. The feelings of when I saw his plane, then when I heard someone say they saw him, then when I saw him, then when I waited for him to hug his parents, then when he hugged me, then when he looked at me, then everything after that.

the best i can describe how i'm feeling.

Where to even begin?
I dated Jeremy Garcia in high school from August 11th, 2007 until he left on an LDS mission on November 18th, 2009.
The day before, November 17th, I said goodbye to Jeremy for what would be 736 days. The 736th day happens to be tomorrow.
Before Jeremy left we spent almost every day together. My family loves him, his family loves me, he's basically integrated into my life in every single way. He's even in my family pictures! Before he left I knew I wanted to marry him and that I would be able to do that when he got home from his mission.
Two years is a really freaking long time. I've met hundreds of new people, gone through two jobs, two summers, two Christmases, two New Years, two birthdays, two years of college, two everythings. That means lots and lots of changing and growing and learning. I've experienced so many things! I've made really stupid mistakes, I've learned from them, and I've grown to be more of an adult. I am a person I really like and am happy to be.
Over these two years I've probably written Jeremy around 50 handwritten letters, and probably 100 or so emails. Who knows how many for sure. I've loved him all this time but it has been so hard to remember what it's like to have him around. I could go on about that for hours. Even going one month without his hugs, kisses, laugh, voice, everything is hard. But two YEARS?! Are you kidding me?! For much of his absence he has felt like a dream to me, a dream I woke up from when he left. But I know he's real even though I haven't seen him for so long. I've always known, of course, how much time is left until his two years are up. But it still was never going to happen, in my mind. Well guess what. It's happening tomorrow and I'm freaking out.
What if he doesn't love me? What if he's so different that I can't feel the same way about him? What if what if what if? I just need to calm down. I hope that when he sees me he will accept my hug. Cause I know when I see him at the airport I will want to run and jump into his arms (but not until after his mother does, of course).
But seriously, I couldn't think of any better thing to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. It's the best thing ever. I seriously think tomorrow will be the happiest day of my life. I sure have a lot of hope for it!
Pray for me. Wish me good luck. We'll see what happens. And pretty soon, the whole world will know. Because I swear it's like everyone I know knows about it and cares at least a little bit. It's exciting but strange.
Oh just help me. I have anxiety. I hope I can sleep tonight.

never

have i had more anxiety in my life.

today was a long day, but in a good way. i love saturdays, but they come and go way too fast!
first i went to my last work meeting at 8 a.m. then i worked a shift from 9-2. kelsey got off at the same time so we both met up at home and got ready to go shopping! i try not to spend money on things i don't need very often, like clothes, but since my boyfriend is coming home in 4 days (insert inexpressible excitement here) my sweet mother gave me money to spend on a new outfit. haha.
so first we went to the new H&M in murray because it just opened last week. it was smaller than i thought it would be, and really nothing special. the one in vegas is better. however, i bought a ring, earrings, and a shirt!
then we went to the gateway in salt lake city where i bought a jacket and we visited kelsey's friend manuel.


this is the interesting part of the night. kelsey has an uncle who ran away from home when he was 17 and didn't contact his family at all for 30 YEARS! and that was just within the last few years. kelsey had only met him once her whole life, but she got a hold of his address because she knew he lived in salt lake. so, without any sort of notice, we just showed up at his house (oh and we brought manuel with us). manuel and i didn't say much, but kelsey had a great conversation with him and mostly the woman he lives with (they used to be married). they have living with them a couple of her daughters i think, and there were 5 kids there. triplet girls who i fell in love with, and two little boys who i also fell in love with.




and then we went to manuel's house and just chilled and acted stupid. the end.

when we were born we were given
2 eyes to see
2 ears to hear
2 hands to touch
2 lips to speak
2 legs to walk

but why only one heart?
because the other one was given to someone else to come and find you.



awwwuh cute.

Don't stress over what could've been, chances are if it should've been, it would've been.

breaking hearts

is never fun.

braces off.

i'm glad i didn't have to have braces very long, but i'm so glad they're off. one good thing going on right now.